Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
