I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
