I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
