Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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