How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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