I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize