After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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