dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
