just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
