I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize