I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
