i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
You may now shotgun with the bride
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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