he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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