I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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