come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
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