I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
