I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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