I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
