Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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