I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
