My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
