Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
