Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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