a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize