I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
