(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
