How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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