Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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