Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
We just shotgunned beers for America
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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