Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
