Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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