Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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