I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
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