No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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