I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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