you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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