That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
