Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Randomize
