You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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