Will you blow on my dice?
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Randomize
