I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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