zippers are such a cool invention
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
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