Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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