so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
