Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
