ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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