I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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