i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
