you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
