Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
from now on my penis is your penis
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Randomize
