Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
