My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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