in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
