1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Randomize
