i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
