its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Even my vagina gasped.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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