she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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