Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
