My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
