went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
