Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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