For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
