and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize