I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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