Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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