yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
