he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
