Who did Billy Mays play for?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Also, beer. Big fan.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize