You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize