if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize